Our friends at Cosmopolitan.com have featured their fair share of inventive sex tips, but nothing is as wild as Auntie Angel's grapefruit blow job. In this MUST BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED video, Chicago-based sexpert Auntie Angel teaches you how to hollow out a grapefruit and then use it to help you fellate the fella of your choice. The video, which dedicates about two-thirds of its running time to teaching you how to properly partially hollow out a grapefruit, really takes a turn for the amazing at 2:50, when she starts going to town on that dildo, making the same noise Darth Vader makes when he drinks a Slurpee. From now on, all our nightmares and all of your nightmares will contain that noise. Shivers.
The Sex Tip: Cut a hole in a grapefruit and then use that partially hollowed out grapefruit as an aid. Watch this if you dare.
I decided to attempt this trick, and here's how it—ahem—went down:
The Grapefruit: I hiked my ass all the way to a Whole Foods across town to get ahold of an Oro Blanco, as I heard these are the sweetest, and therefore least bitter, and therefore least disgusting, of all grapefruits.
The Location: We bust out the inflatable camping bed again because grapefruits are sticky and I'm not trying to get all those acidic juices over my $300 Anthropologie sheets.
The Music: "Fancy" by Iggy Azalea because I felt like the quick tempo might force me to pick up the pace with my lazy blow job skills. It did not. We had to turn it off when I nearly broke my neck trying to keep the beat. But I'll come back to that.
The Mood: Terrified. I mean have you WATCHED THE DAMN VIDEO YET??!
The Act: My boyfriend was excited, because he didn't know what was coming *insert Darth Vader drinking a Slurpee SFX*. I blindfolded him as Auntie Angel had instructed, and then proceeded to give him a regs blow job to get him hard, as she also instructed. This happened, and then I slipped the grapefruit over his penis and he was like, "WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WTF is that?!" and I was like, "Uh, my hand?" and he was like, "Yeah, no," and took the blindfold off and was all, "Ugh, this is for Cosmo, isn't it? I thought we were just gonna do it normal-style tonight!" and I was like, "After this you're gonna have to do a headstand on a trampoline, and I'm gonna put a cream puff in my butt, and we'll see if you can ejaculate. It'll be our Everest. JKJKJK, you're getting a blow job, so just play along." And so he sighed and said, "Fine, but no blindfold. I don't trust you."
Fair enough.
After that I tried to do as Auntie Angel told me and suck his shaft (worst word) while simultaneously working that grapefruit up and down and mimicking the sound of a 1950s vacuum cleaner. It was not easy. My hand was tired, my arm was tired, my boyfriend was laughing ("I never want to hear that noise ever again"), and I gave up after 10 minutes of trying to suck a tart dong to Iggy rapping, "Who dat, who dat" (a hero's effort!). Then we just had regular sex to completion, so that was good, I guess? Wonderfully, my vagina didn't sting from the grapefruit juice, as I thought it might.
In the end, my boyfriend did consider this better than a doughnut on his dick, because it was — get ready to throw up — fleshier, but I just couldn't get into it. I mean, at least with the doughnut blow job, I got a doughnut, knowwhati'msayin'?
After a careful rehashing of the evening, we both decided that this might be more our problem than Auntie Angel's problem. She's a sexpert, after all, but I'm just not on her level. Yet.
I'll tell you what. All this week, I'm gonna drink 16 ounces of grapefruit juice every morning, use hand weights until I can use them no more, and do vocal exercises to make sure my slurping sounds are correct. And I'll be back. Until we meet again, Auntie Angel.
